DIANA

Stars: Naomi Watts, Naveen Andrews, Douglas Hodge, Cas Anvar, Juliet Stevenson and Charles Ewards.
Writer: Stephen Jefferys; based upon the book by Kate Snell.
Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel

Rating: 1/5

Hammering the final nail in the coffin of a tragically disrespected afterlife, the most enigmatic woman in modern history is treated to the most anaemic biopic in living memory in Oliver Hirschbiegel’s Diana.

Stumbling and stuttering through the Princess’ headline-grabbing moments and iconic fashion choices, Hirschbiegel’s camp drama unfathomably focuses upon perhaps the least interesting period in Diana’s post-Palace life – her tepid, upper-class romance with heart surgeon Hasnat Khan (a not-very engaging Naveen Andrews).

‘The People’s Princess’ is predominantly reduced to a soap-opera stereotype, the narrative plodding forward with unintentionally giggly misdirection as the two spoilt lovebirds share furtive glances, find problems to whine over and exchange the most faecal dialogue; one particular coastal sojourn represents some of 2013’s worst cinematic dramaturgy. Screenwriter Stephen Jeffreys, offering up his first script since Johnny Depp’s 2004 oddity The Libertine, seems obsessed with hagiographic overkill.

Besides there being no compelling structure to his plotting, Jeffreys’ spineless script avoids any mention of Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth, the two personalities that allegedly had the most sinister influence over Diana’s fate; her sons William and Harry are glimpsed from afar but play no part in her on-screen story. Her fate in the Paris tunnel is hinted at but never addressed; her romance with Dodi Fayed (Cas Anvar) portrayed in the most perfunctory terms.

Moreso than any other true-life tale of late (including Soderbergh’s vastly superior Behind the Candelabra), Diana carries a weighty degree of expectation based upon both the social importance of its central figure and the burden placed upon the actress ballsy enough to embody her. Naomi Watts is an undeniably fine actress, but she never stood a chance here. Her choice to adopt a plummy, stoic tongue ensures the heavy-handed lines positively plummet from her lips to the floor; romantic pillow-talk with Andrews’ Khan is horribly flat.

And then there are just the patently odd moments that are beyond comprehension. Diana’s famous walk across mined territory is first diluted (it is revealed the ground was largely cleared before her arrival) then played for gallow laughs (the gathered paps refocus when told sometimes the clearing of mines goes wrong); Khan’s return to work after his romance with Diana is outed is met with throngs of ridiculously gawking co-workers (it’s a hospital, people!); Diana’s donning of a brunette wig just looks ridiculous.

Hirschbiegel and Jeffreys have sullied both their reputations and that of their subject. It will be an awful shame if future generations look to this and wonder what all the fuss was about regarding the Princess of Wales; as presented in this corny, convoluted soap opera, she was kind of sweet, a little naïve, a tad pretentious and occasionally plain dumb. That’s not the Diana we all know; shame on this production for making her so.