CONTRACTED

Stars: Najarra Townsend, Caroline Williams, Alice McDonald, Katie Stegeman, Matt Mercer, Charley Koontz, Ruben Pla and Simon Barrett.
Writer/Director: Eric England.

Rating: 3.5/5

Setting his body-horror shocker Contracted amongst the image-conscious twenty-something party-crowd of modern Los Angeles is one of the many smart aspects of Eric England’s slow-burn creepshow that both engages the mind as well as leaving a thoroughly intentional bad taste.

Not quite the nightmarish gross-out journey that Eric Thalardeau’s similarly themed Thanatomorphose was, England’s third feature is nevertheless a challenge for even the most resilient of horror fans. It will also prove particularly troubling to the sexually irresponsible amongst the target demographic; promiscuity has been punished in horror films from the genre’s inception, but rarely have the consequences been so grotesquely portrayed.

Much about Contracted is reminiscent of the AIDS era horror film, when films like David Cronenberg’s The Fly and Brian Yuzna’s Society reminded us all that pleasures of the flesh often cost a pound of the same. Tellingly, one key component of the narrative immediately recalls the ‘Patient Zero’ hysteria of the AIDS outbreak, when it was discovered much of the disease’s transmission came from a single sick individual. 

England’s protagonist is Samantha (Najarra Townsend), a skittish, occasionally grumpy trainee florist who is struggling with identity issues. In the dumps because she is sensing the end to an emotionally involving flirtation with lesbianism (in the form of Katie Segeman’s brash Brit, Nicki) and finding herself back in an apartment with her mom (horror vet, Caroline Williams), Samantha overindulges at a party thanks to her bff, Alice (Alice McDonald). A shadowy, predatory figure in the form of a stranger name BJ (Simon Barrett) proves an enigmatic distraction and Samantha finds herself steaming up the backseat of a car with him, despite her vocal protestations.

Over the next three days, Sam begins to note physical changes that soon increase in severity. Deterioration of eyes, teeth, skin and nails make for the most uncomfortable of scenes (playing into the films exploration of the nature of personal identity), though a strong thematic line in menstrual-related pain and body fluids in general is always present. Townsend, providing a mostly likable presence while still capable of a troubled chilliness, is called upon to act out some deeply personal horrors in the name of her character and does so with gusto. 

There is a one-note shallowness to most of the support players, though it is entirely understandable (even, perhaps, subtly satirical) that this may be the result of dealing with the generally insipid, self-centred nature of young Los Angelinos. Charley Koontz’s fat, drug-dealing Zain is an unnecessary diversion; Matt Mercer’s Riley, as a suitor so infatuated with Sam he barely registers her deterioration, is frustratingly devoid of substance, though he bravely fronts up to act out the film’s most disturbing moment of intimacy.

England supplies a sly, very cool denouement that suggests his intention was to craft a smart take on the most popular horror sub-genre at present (in scenes that prove reminiscent of recent real-world incidents in several US cities). It is terrifically nihilistic note upon which to conclude Contracted, a dark, disturbing slice of personalised horror that will certainly satisfy genre festival audiences hungry for originality.

CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY VANILLA

Stars: Glenn Maynard, Kyrie Capri, Michelle Myers, Kristen Condon, Aston Elliott, Louise Bremner and Elise Guy.
Writer: Addison Heath.
Director: Stuart Simpson.

Rating: 4/5

Despite a title that suggests a sugary cinematic high, the latest offbeat work from Melbourne-based director Stuart Simpson is instead a bittersweet, disturbing comic take on loneliness, obsession and madness. Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla further establishes Simpson as one of Australia’s most inventive and assured genre filmmakers, his third feature a bracingly original and thoroughly macabre vision that is hard to shake.

An opening montage recalls the giggly first minutes of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, but soon the life of our protagonist, ice-cream vendor Warren Thompson (Glenn Maynard), grows decidedly darker after he backs over his cat. This fateful event sets in motion the final few days of Warren’s already-strained sanity; along for the downward-spiralling ride is local street-thug Rocko (Aston Elliott), his coarse lady Ash (Louise Bremner), troubled postal worker Ruby (Michelle Myers) and, most tellingly, the object of Warren’s obsession, soapie starlet Katey George (Kyrie Capri, a standout).

As Warren, the extraordinary Glenn Maynard creates one of the most memorably sympathetic portraits of repressed rage and social disconnection in local cinema history. Interacting with the denizens of inner-city Melbourne from the window of his confectionery truck by day and retreating into the false world of celebrity adoration by night, Maynard takes Warren deeper into a dangerous, psychotic state via an odd, affectatious comedic portrayal that makes the shattering events of the final reel utterly mesmerising.

First-time feature writer Addison Heath gives Warren a strong, individualistic voice that immediately puts him onside with the viewer. His plight and anguished voice is achingly clear, ensuring his ultimate actions are all the more confronting. There is a foreboding menace that envelopes the film, particularly after the denouement is hinted at, albeit briefly, in the opening frames. Simpson reins in the wild showiness of his last film, the equally engaging small-town creature-feature El Monstro Del Mar (aka Monstro!; 2010), yet still crafts a nightmarish world.

Also providing insight into Warren’s diminished state is his adulation for tough guys movie heroes, an infatuation that leads him to buying a video camera to record his thoughts (a device that has undone many films but that Simpson masters). Of course, there are also some very funny moments, such as a sex-line call that turns into an ‘Agony Aunt’ session.

Although Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla is too much an offbeat Ozploitationer to secure multiplex slots, the time will come when Stuart Simpson and the mainstream mindset find a common ground. He is far too talented a filmmaker to be contained by the underground; one day, these early efforts will be looked back upon in much the same way that fans now regard Peter Jackson’s Brain Dead or George Miller’s Mad Max – a work that defies its low-budget status with superbly crafted visuals and expertly-paced storytelling. 

KRRISH 3

Stars: Hrithik Roshan, Kangana Ranaut, Priyanka Chopra and Vivek Oberoi.
Writers: Robin Bhatt, Honey Irani, Irfan Kamal, Akarsh Khurana, Sanjay Masoom and Rakesh Roshan.
Director: Rakesh Roshan.

Rating: 3/5

Exhibiting ten movies worth of good-vs-evil comic-hero conflict and positively drenched in the glorious morality synonymous with India’s Diwali celebration, Rakesh Roshan’s Krrish 3 is the type of big Bollywood blockbuster that can both delight and infuriate western audiences. Domestic crowds, however, will be thrilled by the latest adventures of their own ‘Man of Steel’, whose pure family values and washboard abs are made for the biggest cinema-going week of the Indian year.

The four-quadrant action melodrama has already displaced Shah Rukh Khan’s Chennai Express as the fastest-earner over the first five days of its run, with ₹134.87 crore banked. The Hindi heroics are also playing strongly in Tamil and Telugu dialects, putting Krrish 3 on course for a record-setting season; if it stays on track, analysts suggest it may emerge as the top-grossing Indian film of all time.

Having firmly established the mythology with the first instalment, 2003’s alien-meets-boy hit Koi…Mil Gay, before fully launching star Hrithik Roshan’s titular alter-ego in 2006’s Krrish, the third instalment unleashes the black-leather do-gooder in full super-hero mode. Sharing his secret identity with his doddering scientist father Rohit (also Roshan, thoroughly convincing in old-age make-up) and sweetheart, journalist Priya (Priyanka Chopra, in the Lois Lane role), nice-guy Krishna Mehra smiles through life’s hardships as he tries to hold down a regular job. Having to regularly soar high above Mumbai to save those in peril plays havoc with your attendance record, apparently…

But true evil has surfaced in the form of Kaal (Vivek Oberoi, chewing scenery like termites), a seething whellchair-bound telekinetic who, with his band of mutant henchmen led by shape-shifting stunner Kaya (Kangna Ranaut, a standout), is planning to poison the cities population. As expected, the labyrinthine plot convolutes in on itself, working in father-son angst, jealousy, betrayal and retribution along with the potentially fatal biohazard weapon before a seemingly endless final reel confrontation between Krrish and Kaal lays waste to most of downtown Mumbai.

The Bollywood sector’s penchant for pilfering the most effective elements of their LA counterpart’s biggest hits has been largely dormant of late, but Roshan corrects the balance in one fell swoop with Krrish 3. References to the X-Men films and Christopher Nolan's Inception abound, as do not-so-subtle nods to World War Z, The Avengers, Spider Man, Thor and the aforementioned Superman reboot. That said, the use of the familiar components is done with flair and technical dexterity, ensuring Krrish 3 is every bit (and, occasionally, a whole lot more) enjoyable than the originals.

A tighter third act would have helped, with one too many teary farewells and resurrected bad-guys bulking up the finale. Naturally, such issues won’t bother the under-12s, for whom this old-fashioned, energetic matinee malarkey is clearly aimed; at one point, our hero saves a young ‘un and informs him that Krrish lives in all those who chose to do good.

Musical numbers are generally infectious, with the pick of them being the giddy staging of ‘Raghupati Raghav’. 

FREE CHINA: THE COURAGE TO BELIEVE

Featuring: Jennifer Zeng, Dr Charles Lee, Hon. David Kilgour, Rep. Chris Smith and Ethan Gutmann.
Director: Michael Perlman.

Rating: 4/5

A compelling, deeply moving advocacy piece, director Michael Perlman adds Free China: The Courage to Believe, his account of the persecution of Falun Gong practitioners in China, to an impressive list of expertly crafted, humanistic factual films.

Since his 2003 debut Eyes of the World, in which he chronicled multicultural discourse in The Balkans, Perlman has brought a compassionate, singularly human focus to such broad global issues as society's diminishing regard for the elderly (63 Years Like Yesterday, 2004) and the treatment of Buddhist clergy by Chinese officialdom (Tibet: Beyond Fear, 2008).

Perlman stays on mainland China for his latest, which recounts the tale of two upstanding Chinese nationals who suffered through torture and imprisonment for following the meditative, qigong-like principles of Falun Gong (or Falun Dafa) teachings. The practice is a morality-based, socially-conscious life-choice that stemmed from Taoist and Buddhist elements; it was hugely popular amongst the Chinese people, with close to 10 million followers at the height of its popularity, and fully supported by the Communist regime.

However, in 1999, the notion that Falun Gong was giving strength and unity to the people began to disturb the Communist Party heads and the practice was outlawed, much to the dismay and growing resentment of its followers. The government were brutal in their policing of the new laws and it is thought that hundreds of thousand of Falun Gong believers were victims of horrible human rights violations.

Jennifer Zeng was a 21 year-old Communist party member with a newborn daughter when she was imprisoned for expressing her opinions; Dr Charles Lee had migrated to the US but returned to China to fight for the rights of his people. By chronologically tracking their heartbreaking accounts of abuse, internment, forced labour (Lee recalls long days making Homer Simpson slippers for the American market) and separation from loved ones, Perlman paints a larger, disturbing picture of illegal government actions against their own people and the control mechanisms employed (most notably, internet censorship; most graphically, human organ trafficking) to quell individual thought.

Although Perlman applies journalistic objectivity in the presentation of his well-researched facts and footage, there is never any doubting that Free China: The Courage to Believe is a rousing call-to-arms, a demand that the international community take the same fearless approach that Zeng and Lee did in defiance of Chinese human rights atrocities. The memory of Nazi Germany’s concentration camps and more recent shameful displays of power such as the Tiananmen Square massacre are invoked in Perlman’s imagery and narrative; more impactful, however, is the soaring sense of dignity and willpower his two subjects and his film displays. 

Further information regarding the film, including its Australian screening schedule, can be found at their website.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Stars: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings, Christopher Eccleston, Chris O’Dowd, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje, Ray Stevenson, Zachary Levi and Jaimie Alexander.
Writers: Christopher Yost, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely.
Director: Alan Taylor

Rating: 3/5

For a franchise so defined by its hulking he-man central figure, there is very little meat on the bone in Thor: The Dark World. Some tepid family drama, a wan romance and cutesy humour are the only vaguely human components director Alan Taylor and his boardroom of writers offer up; in every other respect, Aussie hunk Chris Hemsworth’s third hammer-wielding turn as Asgard’s man-mountain golden boy exists entirely as a spectacular effects showcase.  

In that regard, the latest adventure from the Marvel movie universe is an artful vision of otherworldly kingdoms, gripped by feuding denizens representing both the light and dark of iconic mythology. Taylor (who has only a handful of indie features to his credit, the last being the little-seen 2003 drama, Kill The Poor) may seem an odd choice as helmer of such a statuesque tentpole pic. But his impressive list of top-tier TV work (most tellingly, recent multiple episode arcs on Game of Thrones) reflects the vast, murky landscapes and imperial grandeur that are ever-present here.

Unfortunately, what is missing are the richly-drawn protagonists and compelling plotting that distinguish the best from the rest amongst these studio behemoths. Fans will turn out in droves and lap up the familiarity of their heroes and accompanying visuals (despite some occasionally blurry 3D work), but there is very little by way of fresh characterisations or involving action. In all fairness, nor was their in Kenneth Brannagh’s camp 2011 first go-round for the characters; one senses that the indestructible righteousness of the titular hero sucks the wriggle-room out of any nuanced narrative opportunities. 

Beneath a sculptured mass of make-up artistry is Christopher Eccleston as Malekith, the seething overseer of the demonic Dark Elves. From a noisy prologue we know they seek out a planet-engulfing power source called Aether, a swirling red/black mass that was thought to be buried far beyond reach but which, heaven’s above, has somehow becomed entangled within the molecular/soulful essence of Thor’s earthbound girlfriend, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman, playing far below her skill and industry stature).

With only Jane standing between his brutal domination of the Nine Realms, Malekith launches an assault upon Asgard (one of the film’s highlights), forcing Thor to enlist the aid of the one man in this alternate universe he dare not trust – his adopted brother and bitter rival, Loki (Tom Hiddleston, in fine form). Back in London, Jane’s tart-mouthed 2IC Darcy (Kat Dennings, all pouty and smart-ass) and mentor Dr Selvig (the film’s biggest asset, Stellan Skarsgard) play their part to save our world and Thor’s universe.

So comfortable in his role as to appear entirely natural in otherwise supernatural surroundings, Hemsworth has some well-staged moments with Anthony Hopkins, returning as his father Odin, and the always reliable Rene Russo as his mother Frigga. But it is meagre melodrama that clearly exists to simply move the film to its big-bang finale. Other returning faces (Idris Elba as Heimball; Jaimie Alexander as Sif) and newcomer Chris O’Dowd as Jane’s normal-guy paramour, are lost amidst the mayhem.

As appears to be the duty of any critic providing coverage of a Marvel episode, be advised that two separate ‘teaser’ scenes amongst the closing credits. Which I know many find exciting, but somehow leaves me feeling the selling of the franchise is a never-ending loop. Perhaps Thor: The Dark World would have played better if it didn’t ultimately reveal itself as just another stepping stone toward Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and so on… 

FORESIGHT KILLER INSTINCT

Stars: Martin Cunningham, Duncan Cunningham, Michael Edward Williams,  Trevor Dent, Elizabeth Murphy, Graham Kilsby, Mitchell Havilland, James Harris, Matthew Carnio and Byron J Brochmann.
Writer: Aaron Cassidy.
Director: Duncan Cunningham.

Rating: 3/5

The low-brow, high-camp Ozploitation ethos is alive and well if Duncan Cunningham’s screeching revenge opus Foresight Killer Instinct is any indication. The film equivalent of a garage band formed solely so mates can belt out free-form heavy metal riffs, this occasionally hilarious, gleefully bloody and largely nonsensical vision is a fun, foul-mouthed ode to truly independent cinema that has already proved an internet sensation (the forum perhaps best suited for such personal ‘artistic’ expressions).

The plot, for what it’s worth, involves good-guy husband Glenn Parsons (Martin Cunningham), an average Joe who moonlights as the local psychic, helping the ragtag small-town police force identify the district’s murderers. Things go bad for the clairvoyant when he identifies thuggish corrupt cop Lance Steel (Michael Edward Williams) as a killer; to teach the pesky psych a lesson, Steel rapes and murders his wife and puts a bullet to the head of Parson, who barely survives.

It is all too much for the trans-medium, who is nursed back to health by a kindly priest (Trevor Dent) before unleashing his vengeance upon a local serial killer, some wayward bikies and what’s left of the crooked cops. Subplots involving undercover cops, internal affairs investigations, local drug rackets and hookers (lots and lots of hookers) are entirely perfunctory and drift in and out of proceedings on a whim. Which is not to suggest their staging is not given due respect; on the contrary, every frame of Cunningham’s work is energised and played to hilt by a committed if obviously non-pro cast.

That said, a great deal of Foresight Killer Instinct does not call upon the actors. Clearly the mantra of the production was “Don’t worry, we’ll fix it in post” (or, more in line with the vernacular of the film, “We’ll f***ing fix it in f***ing post”); there are one too many lengthy passages bolstered by jittery camera effects, faded flashback sequences, overlit psychic visions and close-ups of the furrowed, growling visage of the warped anti-hero (who, bald and donning a black hood-and-robe, resembles Paul Bettany’s titular crusader in Scott Stewart’s Priest). Even at 94 minutes, Cunningham’s debut is a bit self-indulgent and would benefit from some further pruning.

Where Duncan Cunningham does succeed with his feature debut is in his understanding of the craft (blocking and framing of key scenes suggests a natural talent has been unearthed) and willingness to deliver for his target audience. There’ll be something to offend everyone (feminists and cat-lovers, in particular, should stay well clear) but, when dealing with a work about as far removed from the mainstream as you can get, one senses that was kind of the point. 

Foresight Killer Instinct will screen as part of Monster Fest 2013 on Saturday, November 23. Visit the website for further details. 
Read the SCREEN-SPACE interview with director Duncan Cunningham here.

SHAHID

Stars: Raj Kumar Yadav, Prabhleen Sandhu, Mohd Zeeshan Ayyub, Baljinder Kaur, Vipin Sharma, Shalini Vatsa, Vinod Rawat, Pawan Kumar and Vivek Ghamande.
Writers: Apurva Asrani and Sameer Gautam Singh.
Director: Hansal Mehta.

Stars: 4/5

The complexities of perceived justice versus the value of truth is the thematic core of Hansal Mehta’s tragic biopic Shahid, a compassionate recounting of the brief life and dramatic difference that human rights advocate Shahid Azmi contributed while acting as defence counsel in India’s legal system for close to a decade.

Though it reflects the oft-told tale of the idealistic outsider taking on the might of the jaded legal community, Mehta’s drama establishes strong humanistic qualities and a deeply personal protagonist before launching into the courtroom fireworks. From surviving the 1992 Mumbai social uprising to his fleeing from a terrorist training facility in Pakistani-controlled Kashmir and subsequent wrongful imprisonment, Shahid’s early life is vividly conveyed, a skilful and confident directorial hand fully fleshing-out the central figure and all his motivations.

After serving a seven year jail term in a Delhi prison (on anti-State charges for which he was later acquitted), Shahid emerged with a law degree and set about serving the rights of the accused, many of which were being held for long periods while police and prosecutors stalled their investigations. Writers Apurva Asrani and Sameer Gautam Singh, whose script exhibits a fluent, naturalistic economy with words and avoids all but the slightest hint of traditional Bollywood melodrama, combines several of Shahid’s landmark cases into just two key confrontations. This may irk sticklers for historical accuracy, but it does not undervalue in any way Shahid’s overall contribution to India’s legal landscape (his dissecting of the practices that led to the arrest of several Indian nationals on terrorist charges under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, 2002, led to the Act finally being repealed).

Crucial to the film’s worth is a terrific lead performance by Raj Kumar Yadav, in almost every scene and called upon to grow from a wide-eyed youth into a noble defender of civil liberties. It was this commitment to the letter of the law that put Shahid offside with many of his countrymen; in giving the role such a strong humanity, Yadav risks doing the same. The actor (having a stellar 2012-13, with his role in Anurag Kashyap’s crime epic, The Gangs of Wasseypur) should be applauded for a fearless, multi-layered portrayal. Support cast, notably Prabhleen Sandhu as single-mum love-interest Maryam, are all up to the standard set by every element of the production.

Given the naturalism Mehta employs for the majority of the film, some flourishes surrounding the very sad denouement are unwarranted but, given the overall emotional impact of his production, entirely forgivable. Shahid is a particularly accomplished entrant in the ‘reluctant martyr’ biography genre, sitting comfortably alongside the likes of Mike Nichol’s Silkwood and Spike Lee’s Malcolm X as the best of the best.

HATCHET III

Stars: Danielle Harris, Kane Hodder, Zach Galligan, Caroline Williams, Parry Shen, Robert Diago DoQui, Derek Mears, Rileah Vanderbilt and Jason Trost.
Writer: Adam Green
Director: BJ McDonnell

Rating: 3/5

Finding a comfortable middle-ground between the jokey tone of the first instalment and the overly grim milieu of its sequel, the third chapter in the gruesome adventures of vengeful spirit Victor Crowley is a cartoonish splatter-fest for hardcore fans of the genre.

The tone is set in a pre-credit sequence that picks up exactly where #2 concluded. Heroine Marybeth (archetypal final-girl Danielle Harris) is putting what she believes to be the finishing touches to her nemesis, Louisiana hillbilly-demon Crowley (series fave Kane Hodder). She stumbles out of the Honey island Swamp and into the Jefferson Parish Police Department, where Sheriff Fowler (Gremlin’s Zach Galligan) takes her blood-splattered visage (and the fact that she is carrying a human scalp) as reason enough to suspect her of the carnage she claims to have witnessed.

Deputies and paramedics dispatched to the scene soon fall foul of the resurrected Crowley, who favours the titular tool but is not above using his boot heel, a tree trunk or bare hands to do his bloody bidding. The sheriff and a SWAT unit (where they materialised from is never clear) face off against Crowley; Marybeth, Deputy Winslow (Robert Diago DoQui) and Amanda (Caroline Williams), a journalist with a passion for the Crowley legend make their own way to the bayou with what may prove to be the secret to ending Crowley’s spree for good.

Writer Adam Green hands the directorial reins over to BJ McDonnell, who graduates from his camera operator role on the first two films. The debutant lacks the style of his mentor, but he embraces the aesthetic of the 80’s slasher flicks upon which Green based his original (a minor hit theatrically, finding most of its fanbase on DVD). Adding to the melancholy sense of retro-fun is some earnest, over-wrought thesping, a cast rich in B-horror identities (including a loopy cameo by the great Sid Haig) and nonsensical plotting designed to serve no other purpose than get to the final confrontation.

All of which, somehow, adds up to an enjoyably daft gore-fest. The slayings are generally of the kind that inspire giggles rather than gasps; many look to be from the lower-end of the make-up effects industry that thrive on the slasher sector. Although the likes of Friday the 13^th, Halloween and Scream got respectable via studio budgets and name talent, Hatchet III more specifically recalls the output from indie outfits like Troma. Which, given the energy and thrills provided by McDonnell's bare-bones bloodbath, is perhaps exactly as it should be…

Hatchet III will screen as part of Monster Fest 2013 on Friday, November 29. Visit the website for further details. 

YOUNG DETECTIVE DEE: RISE OF THE SEA DRAGON

Stars: Mark Chao, Kun Chen, Angelababy, Shaofeng Feng, Dong Hu, Carina Lau, Lin Gengsheng.
Writers: Zhang Jialu and Tsui Hark.
Director: Tsui Hark.

Rating: 3.5/5

Though it strains ones willingness to suspend disbelief at an over-indulgent 133 minutes, action maestro Tsui Hark’s prequel to his 2010 hit is nevertheless a dazzling adventure fantasy with more than enough ‘wow’ moments to woo international audiences.

Gone is leading man Andy Lau, who stoically embodied the first incantation of the enigmatic Dee, a solid hero-figure best described as a mash-up of Sherlock Holmes and Indiana Jones with more than a dash of Eastern mysticism and inscrutability. In his place as the younger embodiment of our hero is strapping Taiwanese heart-throb Mark Chao, a suitably engaging if slightly too minimalist presence; Lau was square-jawed but with depth behind his eyes, whereas Chao appeal is slightly more superficial.

Hark and co-writer Zhang Jialu convolute a typically grand narrative structure to back up the vastness of their visuals (it is the director’s first use of stereoscopic technology, an advent that DOP Jimmy Choi grabs with obvious glee). Set 24 years before the events of the first film, …Rise of the Sea Dragon opens with the spectacular destruction of a Tang Dynasty naval armada by a largely unseen force from the ocean depths. Biding time as a mid-level investigator in the royal corp known as the Da Lisi and under the command of tough leader Zhenji (Feng Shaofeng), Dee is employed by the chilly Empress Wu Zetian (Carina Lau) to get to the briny bottom of the mystery.

But Dee and his ‘Watson’, Satuo Zhong (Lin Gengxin), are soon distracted by the sad story of virginal courtesan Ruiji Yin (Angelababy), whose true-love, tea merchant Mr Yuan (Ian Kim) had been deviously infected with a parasite that turned him into a underwater beasty (resembling part Creature from The Black Lagoon, part Dan Aykroyd’s monster-character from Twilight Zone The Movie). The plot continues to swirl off into weird and wacky directions, exemplified by the discovery that the cure-all for parasitic infection is to drink the urine of young men (don’t ask) and almost always resulting in wildly inventive wire-work action.

Hark’s film may stumble outside of its homeland in its reliance upon period iconography and a densely detailed political milieu. The Tang Dynasty was a period of enormous growth for the region (artistry, industry and sociological definition all developed at a cracking pace in 7^th Century China) and it is to the production’s credit that so much sumptuous detail is on display. But such dedication to real-world historical minutiae in a film that also features a horse that runs underwater and a Kraken-like sea-monster often results in some jarring juxtaposition; one is left wondering, ‘Should my brain be on or off now?’

Where Young Detective Dee… and the veteran filmmaker at its helm leaves nothing to doubt is in the realm of the spectacular. Easily on par with any of the effects-laden tentpoles from the LA industry of late, Tsui Hark’s finely attuned vision of epic fantasy consistently bewilders the senses.

DIANA

Stars: Naomi Watts, Naveen Andrews, Douglas Hodge, Cas Anvar, Juliet Stevenson and Charles Ewards.
Writer: Stephen Jefferys; based upon the book by Kate Snell.
Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel

Rating: 1/5

Hammering the final nail in the coffin of a tragically disrespected afterlife, the most enigmatic woman in modern history is treated to the most anaemic biopic in living memory in Oliver Hirschbiegel’s Diana.

Stumbling and stuttering through the Princess’ headline-grabbing moments and iconic fashion choices, Hirschbiegel’s camp drama unfathomably focuses upon perhaps the least interesting period in Diana’s post-Palace life – her tepid, upper-class romance with heart surgeon Hasnat Khan (a not-very engaging Naveen Andrews).

‘The People’s Princess’ is predominantly reduced to a soap-opera stereotype, the narrative plodding forward with unintentionally giggly misdirection as the two spoilt lovebirds share furtive glances, find problems to whine over and exchange the most faecal dialogue; one particular coastal sojourn represents some of 2013’s worst cinematic dramaturgy. Screenwriter Stephen Jeffreys, offering up his first script since Johnny Depp’s 2004 oddity The Libertine, seems obsessed with hagiographic overkill.

Besides there being no compelling structure to his plotting, Jeffreys’ spineless script avoids any mention of Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth, the two personalities that allegedly had the most sinister influence over Diana’s fate; her sons William and Harry are glimpsed from afar but play no part in her on-screen story. Her fate in the Paris tunnel is hinted at but never addressed; her romance with Dodi Fayed (Cas Anvar) portrayed in the most perfunctory terms.

Moreso than any other true-life tale of late (including Soderbergh’s vastly superior Behind the Candelabra), Diana carries a weighty degree of expectation based upon both the social importance of its central figure and the burden placed upon the actress ballsy enough to embody her. Naomi Watts is an undeniably fine actress, but she never stood a chance here. Her choice to adopt a plummy, stoic tongue ensures the heavy-handed lines positively plummet from her lips to the floor; romantic pillow-talk with Andrews’ Khan is horribly flat.

And then there are just the patently odd moments that are beyond comprehension. Diana’s famous walk across mined territory is first diluted (it is revealed the ground was largely cleared before her arrival) then played for gallow laughs (the gathered paps refocus when told sometimes the clearing of mines goes wrong); Khan’s return to work after his romance with Diana is outed is met with throngs of ridiculously gawking co-workers (it’s a hospital, people!); Diana’s donning of a brunette wig just looks ridiculous.

Hirschbiegel and Jeffreys have sullied both their reputations and that of their subject. It will be an awful shame if future generations look to this and wonder what all the fuss was about regarding the Princess of Wales; as presented in this corny, convoluted soap opera, she was kind of sweet, a little naïve, a tad pretentious and occasionally plain dumb. That’s not the Diana we all know; shame on this production for making her so.